NAUTICAL HUMOR DICTIONARY

ABOARD: A piece of lumber you can use to repair your vessel.

AFT: Automatic Flotation Thing. The Coast Guard requires you have a personal flotation device for each member on board your vessel. These are the ones that inflate automatically when you hit the water (and you will hit the water!) to prevent drowning.

ADRIFT: A method of moving across the water when nothing on your vessel works. You normally do not have a lot of input as to where you are actually going, but you can get there.

ANCHOR: A mechanical device that's supposed to keep the vessel in one place (see dragging). These devices are sometimes used to submerge expensive anchor lines and chain when used without proper termination at both ends of the anchor line.

ASTERN: A type of look. Your spouse gives you astern look when you attempt to buy things for your new vessel.

BILGE: A storage area in the bottom of the vessel for all the things you dropped and can not find. Also a mixing area for water, fuel and head output.

BILGE PUMP: An electrical device designed to remove the charge from your batteries. These devices only operate when the vessel is not taking on water.

BOW: What you do (along with scape) in front of your banker when you are asking for more money to spend on your vessel.

BRIDGE: Something you cross to get to the other side of a body of water when you don't have a vessel available. Can also be used for removing masts of sailing vessels if the bridge is low enough.

CAPSIZE: The size you need to know when shopping for a hat or cap.

CREW: The people working on your vessel. They are usually friends or acquaintances who don't find out about the "work" part of the trip until you are away from the dock. Crews have a high turnover rate, and normally will never want to see you again, let alone set foot on your vessel again.

DECK: What your spouse will do to you after discovering how much money you spent on the vessel without first obtaining permission.

DOCK: A medical professional.

GPS: An electronic device that allows you to navigate out of sight of landmarks before the batteries die.

HATCH: 1. A device similar in nature to a mousetrap, in that it will drop down on your head or hand without warning. 2. An opening for admitting water into the vessel. 3. Orrin. A United Sattes Senator.

HEAD: The part of your body that sits on top of your neck. Useful for storing items like hats, sunglasses,etc.

HULL: Bobby. A famous hockey player.

KEEL: A stopping device for your vessel. It works by contacting the bottom of the water body you are in, thus inhibiting forward motion.

KEYS: Used for opening locks and lockers aboard your vessel, starting with the engine. Keys can usually be found in the water beneath your vessel.

LEEWAY: What you hope your spouse will gie you when you want an expensive new toy for your vessel.

LOG: Another stopping device for your vessel. It works by either placing a hole in your vessel so it can no longer float, or in the case of smaller vessels, by provide a resting spot above the water far enough so that an oar or motor can no longer propel the vessel.

MATE: Your spouse.

OVERBOARD: A term describing the final resting place for anything expensive dropped while on board a vessel.

PAY OUT: What you must do every time something unexpected happens to your vessel.

PFD: Personal Floatation Device. Amultifunction device normally used as a cushion, packing material or sponge. The Coast Guard requires one for each person on board to ensure they have something soft to sit on in case seating is limited.

PORT: What you drink when you are on your vessel.

PROPELLER: A metal thing that looks like a fan and is attached to your motor. The propeller is a dual-purpose item. It both propels your vessel through the water and catches stray dock and rigging lines before they can harm wildlife. After a short period of time, motors typically don't have the same number of propellers they originally came with.

RUDDER: The device that steers your vesse, and usually the first part of your vessel to come off when you hit a rock.

ROCK: 1. Devices used to remove rudders from vessels. 2. What your vessel does just after you fill all your glasses to the brim with port.

STERN: 1. The flat, back end of your vessel, included so you have a place to paint the name of your vessel. 2. How your spouse sounds when you have spent to much on or been out too long on your vessel.

THROUGH-THE-HULL-FITTING: A leak.

WAKE: A part of a funeral often confused with what trails behind a vessel. Also what you participate in when you don't practice safe boating or canoeing.